she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
