my mouth tastes like poor choices
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
