So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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