Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize