Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
