I wish I could punch you in the face.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Sorry my hands just texted you
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
