The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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