Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
