Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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