Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
