I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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