Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
