i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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