I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
