there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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