i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
