Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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