I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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