Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
