I hate all girls vehemently.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
