Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Randomize
