I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
