Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
