just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
