I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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