I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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