3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Randomize
