I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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