Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
