pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Randomize
