he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
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