Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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