it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
