you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
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