Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
