So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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