I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Randomize
