I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Randomize
