The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Boobs speak an international language.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
All I want is dick and wine.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Randomize