the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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