Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize