My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
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