Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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