Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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