At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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