this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
