So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
