with your own penis?
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
