How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize