i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
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