his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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