i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
