So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
