I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
