He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize