You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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