Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
