The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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