Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
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