So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
