She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize