rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
