You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
There r osticjed everywhere
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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