How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
