why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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