I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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