$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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