the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
