she was so not down for the gang bang
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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