Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
