he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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