I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Randomize
