i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
