He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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