Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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