I wish I could punch you in the face.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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