remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
